Konan's Ramblings
by Shizuneeee
Summary: Konan's secret thoughts on all the Naruto ships- you'll know the definition of funny when the truth comes out of the most stubborn, ignorant, driest personality in all of the ninja world! Everything Naruto is analyzed and described in the most ridiculous way possible! Rating may change. Based on Loopy777's Mai's Ramblings!
1. Naruhina

_Author's Note: These are only for fun. Actually, I have a few personal opinions on any ships, but these won't reflect mine at all. This is all just what I think Konan would say if I ever ask her about her opinion on any ship; her being ignorant and all (but honestly, I wouldn't dare; knowing what she's capable of)._

_Credit to Loopy777 for the idea. I do not own Naruto and all it's characters (though I wish I do, then Neji won't die) _

* * *

**Konan on... Naruhina. **

"Yeah, yeah. I don't care how you spell my name. I'm not in your world. I can do whatever I want.

"So I got a random thought of doing Naruhina.

"...

"Ah, what the heck.

"Take the weird blonde kid who's been possessed by a demon which I want to get my hands on, with the shy blind girl who's pretty much useless to the show until halfway of Part I; start writing fanfictions about them ever since day one without them ever noticing BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT IN OUR WORLD, BAKA; and you have the main ship of Naruto.

"Naruto is a ugly blonde freak with a 'mangina' and a body build like my friend; Yahiko; who was then THREE YEARS OLD. He has a personality I only met him twice or thrice without a formal greeting, but I can already tell that he's a too wild, weird, stupid, annoying, loser wannabe who tries SO HARD to replace his current kage GIRLS RULE. Apparently, that b-tard Jiraiya-sensei also trained him YOU TRAITOR. Other than that, he actually has a good self-esteem like Yahiko AND THAT'S PROBABLY ALL THE GOOD YOU GET ABOUT NARUTO FROM ME.

"Hinata is too shy, too weak SHE COULDN'T EVEN PUNCH NEJI, too useless ALTHOUGH SHE DID BECOME A BIT MORE USEFUL TO THE SHOW HALFWAY THROUGH PART I, too underdeveloped SEE THIS RACK OVER HERE, and too cute OOOH I WANNA CRUSH HER SO BAD.

"So, as I said, Naruto is too wild and Hinata's too shy. So; as expected; the romance didn't progress much until chapter 615 when Hinata touched his cheek and flirted with him ALTHOUGH HE PROBABLY DIDN'T NOTICE BECAUSE HE'S THAT STUPID; saying 'that's her ninja way too' IS THAT ALL YOU'VE GOT? COME ON! KISS ALREADY!

"By that point, it should've made a huge milestone in their relationship, but then her cousin had to show up and die there, so all the mushy romance was put on hold until maybe when Neji magically comes back to life or in a year after the funeral THE VIEWERS AREN'T THAT PATIENT KISHI! COME ON!

"Anyways, so somehow when the series is all done, Kishi will pair up Naruto and Hinata AS IF THAT WASN'T EXPECTED or, a plot twist. NARUTO TURNS OUT HOMO AND GETS PAIRED UP WITH SASUKE. But sadly, that will never happen due to the high demand of Naruhina by the fans BUT AREN'T YOU FORGETTING THAT KISHI CAN DO WHAT HE WANTS AND GET AWAY BECAUSE IT'S HIS MANGA AND HE HAS THE RIGHT TO DO SO AND MAKE ME UGLY OR WHATSOEVER AND-

"Alright, enough about me. Let's just conclude that Naruto will end up with Hinata and then I won't be brought back to life and Sasuke won't end up Yaoi BUT WE WILL NEVER KNOW. HEH HEH.

"Why are you still here?


	2. Narusaku

**Konan on... Narusaku!**

"Narusaku- the Naruto ship for people who like their men ugly and annoying, their women desperate, and their heat level lower than the depths of the ocean in which Jiraiya sunk in.

"Naruto has the unfortunate luck to combine the ugliest male body on the planet with a personality so girly even Lee and Guy got jealous. While in the academy, he meets a girl named Sakura and falls head over heels for her, drawing yet another disturbing comparison to Lee with both his agility and love for people with LARGE FOREHEADS. Sakura is the most useless ninja on the planet, and also the hottest girl on the planet IF YOU LIKE THAT SORT OF THING, and wiser than all 5 hokages in a barrel, so of course she gives in to whatever chemicals are pumping in her brain and goes for the obvious choice SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE solely for his hot body.

"Naruto isn't so manly he is not afraid of causing any trouble or being hit by Tsunade's monstrous fist or being rejected by Sakura millions of times AND NEVER GIVING UP, so he spends the first few days of being a genin getting as close as he can to Sakura and getting it on with everything in a skirt short of his sister UNLESS YOU LOOK AT THE SUBTEXT until he reaches that level of stupidity where HE FLIRTS WITH SASUKE but that never happened because of the censors BUT YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT KISHI WAS PLANNING TO DO SO SHUT UP AND LET ME HOPE FOR YAOI. So then Sakura got jealous and started flirting with Lee by the time Jiraiya and Naruto went searching for Tsunade BUT THAT NEVER STOPPED SASUKE WHO PROBABLY RETURNED THE FEELINGS AND FOLLOWED NARUTO TO THE INN AND WANTED TO-

"Oh wait- that wasn't how it happened. Sasuke's brother was there HEY SASUKE IF YOU EVER READ THIS, I TOLD ITACHI TO FOLLOW YOUR LITTLE BOYFRIEND!

"But then back at Konoha, Sakura was still flirting with Lee but then realized Sasuke was out-of-town so she threw Lee off the bridge, breaking his spine I DON'T KNOW WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED WHILE SASUKE WAS GONE BUT LET'S ASSUME THAT THAT'S WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED.

"After Sasuke got beat up, Sakura was suddenly more attached to Sasuke more than ever AND MADE NARUTO JEALOUS SO THEN HE TOOK TSUNADE TO LEE TO DISGUISE HIS FLIRTING/MAKE-SOMEONE-JEALOUS SKILLS but then Tsunade sent Naruto off and Plan B of 'Make Sakura Jealous' was failed, leaving him ladyless BUT YOU NEVER KNOW IF HINATA WAS THERE STALKING HIM OR SOMETHING.

"So then, a while after Sasuke recovered, he finally had enough with Naruto being fake and Sakura flirting with him, so he joined the Dark Side. Ever since then, Sakura stayed a bit closer to Naruto BUT NOT AS CLOSE, so the suspected romance didn't progress much until Part II, when Naruto returned to the village.

"Naruto didn't have as much feelings about Sakura when he returned but he still hoped so. He tried to stay himself because he didn't have anyone to make Sakura jealous anymore UNLESS THE AU LEE WAS UP TO IT. Sakura was starting to like him until when he almost showed his Harem-no-jutsu to the children BEING HIMSELF, so then he earned a direct hit from Sakura, plus the pain of Sakura's monstrous strength, taught by Tsunade HEY TSUNADE NICE JOB YOU ACTUALLY MADE THE GIRL A BIT MORE USEFUL BUT NOT QUITE. So the relationship went from 'small crush' to 'talking'.

"When they arrived in Suna, Sakura used her new medical expertise to save Kankuro from a poison given to him by my friend Sasori HEY SASORI YOU COULD'VE DONE BETTER AND KILLED HIM. THAT KID WAS ACTUALLY PRETTY ANNOYING. Sakura then made a few antidotes to counteract the poison in case anyone on the team should have need of it GREAT JOB TSUNADE NOW YOU MADE IT HARDER FOR US TO KILL THE GIRL. The antidote in hand, Team Kakashi followed Akatsuki's trail, accompanied by Chiyo HEY SASORI I NEVER KNEW YOU HAD A FAT GRANDMA. During this period of time, Sakura first learned that the Nine-Tails is sealed into Naruto. Then the relationship went from talking to 'OMG HE'S A MONSTER'.

"One time, Sakura was then knocked out after Kabuto was thrown away by Naruto and slammed into her SO YOU'RE NOT AS STRONG AS YOU THINK, HUH?. After regaining consciousness, she realised that Naruto had advanced to his four-tailed form FIVE MORE TAILS AND WE CAN CAPTURE HIM. She recalls on who Naruto used to be, his happy personality, and his promise to her, then feeling guilt for the monster he had become and his suffering, she starts to cry and call for him to stop SO SHE DOES ACTUALLY CARE. This bumped up the relationship from 'OMG HE'S A MONSTER' to 'secret make-out sessions at the playground' IF YOU WATCHED ROAD TO NINJA YOU'LL KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

"When my friend Pain destroyed the village YOU COULD'VE DESTROYED THE MOUNTAIN TOO, Sakura was saved by Katsuyu AM I THE ONLY ONE HERE WHO DESPISES SNAILS. When she sees the village in ruins she cries out for Naruto to return to save everyone BOOHOO YOUR VILLAGE IS DESTROYED BUT YAHIKO, NAGATO, AND I LOST OUR PARENTS SO HOW DO YOU THINK WE FEEL? After Naruto's return Sakura could only watch as Naruto tried to defeat the six Pains OH YEAH YOU GO YAHIKO. She became worried when Naruto entered his six-tailed form THREE MORE AND WE CAN CAPTURE HIM YIPPEE, and was amazed to find out that Hinata risked her life to try and save Naruto because she loves him BEAT THAT SAKURA. She heals Hinata afterwards and watches as Pain, defeated and converted by Naruto, revives all those who had died during his attack OH SO NOW YOU'RE MEDIOCRELY USEFUL. When Naruto came back to the village after talking to Nagato COME ON NAGATO YOU COULD'VE KILLED HIM ALREADY, Sakura punches Naruto calling him rash for taking on Pain by himself but then hugs and thanks him for saving them. No changes were made in their relationship.

"When World War IV went up, Sakura was forced in the Third Division, separating her from Naruto AWWW BUT THEY WERE SO CLOSE ALREADY and then Sakura was deemed too useless so she spent the rest of her war time with the ever-boring Shizune in the medical division watching people die as they try to heal BUT THEY DID HEAL A FEW, AND THEY WERE THE FAST RECOVERY TYPE so they didn't work much.

"Soon enough, Naruto gets too caught up in the war and is somehow pretty good at it so he practically NEVER gets hit that he never get to spend time at the ever-boring clinic tent with the ever-boring patients being healed by the ever-boring Shizune and the now-ever-boring Sakura HEY I WONDER WHEREVER TSUNADE WENT. So then Hinata uses the long gap as an advantage to flirt with Naruto, which he firmly accepts so BOOHOO SAKURA YOU'RE FOREVER ALONE.

"But then, I'm dead and I have no idea how I know all of this. So face it, Sakura will NEVER end up with Naruto unless Hinata turns Yuri and gets paired up with Ino YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT KISHI WANTS, but then again, if Naruto weren't to be paired up with Hinata, he'll most likely end up Yaoi and with Sasuke WHICH I SECRETLY WANT TO HAPPEN HEH HEH. So either way, Sakura will end up single.

"So let's just conclude that Naruto and Sakura won't be canon and she'll die forever alone.

"And again, I'm dead and I still have no idea why I know all of this.


	3. SakuIno

**Konan on... SakuIno.**

"No matter how hard, fast, and consistently Kishimoto denies it, one of the canon ships that snuck past the censors was the illicit romance between Haruno Sakura and Yamanaka Ino, the two fruitcakes Sasuke has the misfortune to be crushed on by."

"Sakura had a rough childhood that consisted of being teased by every girl that saw her wide forehead EVERYBODY KNOWS and the bad luck of being trained by the ever-deadly Tsunade WELL SHE ASKED FOR IT. She might give you a spiel about how awful it was to be outcasted by everyone and how embarrassing she felt whenever she was around her parents LOOK SAKURA DON'T YOU SEE HOW MUCH I DON'T CARE? And it resulted in a lifetime of sociopathic rampaging, but the truth is that stalking Sasuke and Ino secretly and punching Naruto relieved all her stress and kept her a happy child HA WHEN I WAS 15 I ALREADY KILLED MY FIRST VICTIM AND STARTED PLANNING HOW TO KILL JIRAIYA AND LEARNED TO FOLD PAPER WITH A FLICK OF A FINGER, AND WHAT DO YOU DO? STAND THERE AND CUT YOUR HAIR. Ew.

"Ino is an airhead vain blonde EVERY BLONDE IS VAIN who finally proved the old wives' tale that mothers shouldn't hang out with Tsunade while they're pregnant. She has an attention span that makes a Naruto look positively scholarly and an 'I'm beautiful'-based outlook on life that really sent all the wrong signals about which side the river she played on.

"At the time Sakura was being made fun of SHE DESERVED IT, Ino made the ever-boring and useless Sakura her plaything to the disgust of everyone paying attention. Eventually Sakura overcame her Loneliness Syndrome after an incident involving a ribbon, a ribbon, and WHAT THE HECK A RIBBON. And soon enough, Sakura and Ino told each other that they love Sasuke IN UNISON AND TO COVER UP THEIR TRUE FEELINGS FOR EACH OTHER. Sakura, being lonely again, ran away to join the academy, probably with the notion that she could use all the jutsus as part of a complicated plan to seduce Sai OH WAIT SHE DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT HIM YET.

"Things were going swimmingly between the two so long as you look at things from Ino's perspective, until a little incident that could be summarized as Sakura taking away Ino's favorite toy and then daring her to do something about it because she couldn't stand to live another second, while Hinata stood there WATCHING HER TWO SO-CALLED FRIENDS FLY FREELY UNDER THE NETWORK'S RADAR. Sakura saw the whole thing as her chance of escape and chained herself to my leg as I was shipped out to Alcatraz to think about what I did while I golfed and earned a Master's Degree in law BUT THEN YOU SHOULD KNOW I HAVE BIPOLAR SO I SEE THINGS THAT NEVER HAPPENED AT ALL AND-

"That never happened, did it?

"Anyways, Ino's first match in the Chunin Exams was against Sakura. The two did not battle seriously at first since Ino still cared MORE THAN CARED about Sakura, until Sakura, unwilling to have Ino pity her, denounced her even though she didn't want to hurt Sakura YOU IDIOT SHE ACTUALLY CARED- Oh wait you two just don't want each other to know YOU LOVE THE OTHER. Ino and Sakura battled seriously afterwards, and used up most of their energy in the process MAYBE THIS IS WHY WE HAVE TO STOP THINKING ABOUT OUR CRUSHES BEFORE BEDTIME. Ino then attempted to enter Sakura's mind after cutting her hair NOT SO VAIN ANYMORE HUH OR WAS IT JUST TO IMPRESS SAKURA and sending chakra into it to immobilise her. She succeeded, but was expelled by Inner Sakura THE ACTUALLY USEFUL PART OF SAKURA AT THE TIME. Low on chakra, Ino and Sakura charged at each other for one last attack, and knocked each other out, resulting in both of them being eliminated BOO YOU WHORE. When they regained consciousness, they started becoming friends again I GUESS THEY WANT TO CONFESS THEIR FEELING TO EACH OTHER ONCE AND FOR ALL, but still maintained their rivalry over Sasuke NO NEVER MIND.

"Later in Part II, the two were still too shy too confess their true feelings to each other. So in order to make Sakura jealous OOOH NARUSAKU PART TWO, she quickly pretended to become interested in Sai. Ino attempted to get Sai's attention with some subtle flirting WHICH DIDN'T WORK. When Sai tried to befriend Ino and Choji WHO I ASSUME IS GAY AND HE DOES TOO, having earlier come to the conclusion that women didn't like to hear how they really looked, Sai tried the opposite approach by calling Ino 'gorgeous', of which is the opposite of what he wanted to say. This resulted in Ino blushing, and enraging Sakura, who Sai had previously called 'ugly' WHAT ABOUT ME? I'M GORGE- wait. I'M UGLY TOO!

"By the time of the Three-Tails Arc, Ino was placed on Team Three to seal away the Three Tails THREE IS A CHARM. To join her was her _friend_ SECRET GIRLFRIEND Sakura, the shy Hinata, and the ever-boring Shizune. When the her team practiced the sealing technique, she had difficulty withstanding it. But after a short speech from Sakura she stood back up, more determined than ever to complete the task OOOH SO NOW SAKURA IS THE ONLY ONE SHE LISTENS TO.

"In Road To Sakura, while running around doing nothing during her so-called day off, Ino pondered how to spend the day before finding Sakura falling from the sky after a flash of bright light COME ON HELP YOUR SPARKLY SECRET VAMPIRE GIRLFRIEND. Helping her out of a tree and taking her to Tsunade-big-boobs for medical attention, Ino is shocked to find Sakura with amnesia 'OMG MAYBE SHE WON'T REMEMBER THE TIME WE SPENT TOGETHER'. She even tried to keep Tsunade-big-boobs and the ever-boring Shizune-with-ironing-boards from killing Sakura for pointing out their bust sizes SMALL BIG SMALL BIG. In her attempt to help jog Sakura's memory, she and the rest of the Konoha 11 present themselves in the way she remembers them: By acting the complete opposite of themselves COME ON NEJI THIS IS YOUR CHANCE! After the attempt failed, Ino helps Sakura look for her necklace until they encounter Sakura's parents who found the necklace. After Sakura strangely cries as she embraces her parents before they leave, Ino learns that the Sakura she has been with all day came from an AU. When the other Sakura fades away, Ino is left dumbfounded as she wondered where the Sakura she knows AND LOVES is OH NO MAYBE SHE'LL NEVER COME BACK.

"By the time we got back and invaded Konoha, Sakura had gone crazy from the frustration of the whole silly mess and had herself locked in the clinic tent never to see daylight again so we could all pretend she and her uselessness never existed. Ino promptly asserted her independence by runnign away with the Fifth Division with a bunch of cat-hating primadonas and dogs just because she can't do anything MAYBE YOU COULD HAVE HER LOCKED UP IN THE CLINIC TENT AND LET HER AND SAKURA DO SOMETHING THEY WOULD REGRET HEH HEH I SHIP THAT.

"But then again, I'm dead and has no idea why I know all this. So let's make a run-over on Sakura: as long as Naruto is with Hinata, Sakura will end up forever alone unless she turns out Yuri and gets paired up with Ino UNLESS THERE'S ANOTHER PLOT TWIST: Ino magically ends up with Sai SO MORE OR LESS, SAKURA WILL END UP ALONE, DRUNKEN , AND GAMBLING JUST LIKE THAT BITCH TSUNADE.

"Anyways, let's conclude that Sakura will end up forever alone unless Kishi lets her and Ino past the censors and WAIT- OMG IF HE DOES LET THEM PAST THE CENSORS I CAN GO HOME NOW. :D

"But if he doesn't, feel the wrath of my infamous paper cranes.


End file.
